My tower was built on faulty foundation and I had no idea. I loved it so much tho,  it was my happy place, my home. I had never felt more safe and loved anywhere else or with anyone else in the world, so naturally, when it fell, my entire world came crashing down around me and I had no idea where to start to even begin putting myself back together again. Thankfully I stumbled across pick a card tarot reading on youtube which helped me begin my healing process.

   It’s been nearly a year now since my life fell to shambles. A year exactly next month, January 25th. A day I can barely remember yet a day I never will forget. It was Saturday and  the day after payday.  I don’t remember much of that day until around 11 PM when I woke up in the middle of crawling up on the bed dazed and confused wondering what the hell happened. I knew what had  happened tho and I was so angry and disappointed in myself for allowing it to happen again. My first thought was of Jay, my fiancee. Where was he at and I gotta get to him and wake him up. I saw sombody out of the corner of my eye as I looked to my left I saw Jay lying in the floor. He was up on his knees like he had been praying  but his face was resting on his hands which were folded in front of him face downwards and butt in the air. I thought “oh shit” I hoped no one had opened the door and saw us in this condition but before I could finish that thought I saw a figure out of the corner of my eyes, I looked back and saw two men standing in the door way and my thoughts switched into “oh shit, we’re gonna get kicked out!” Then I heard one of them yell “She’s up, but he’s gone.”  She’s up, but he’s gone. Surely I didn’t hear him right. No, there’s no way that this is happening right now. I accidentally passed out and my fiance, my best friend, my heart, died and now I had to deal with it for the rest of my life and face his family knowing they would probably blame me. God, why? Why did I have to fall asleep? How did I fall asleep? I knew in my heart as soon as I came through that this couldn’t be good because I never pass out like that. I’m always alert enough to make sure Jay stays alive because I’ve seen him in some pretty BAD shapes. Something was not right at all and now I’m possibly going to be in some major trouble for it.

What I remember of that Saturday night is the paramedics telling me to come on and go with them so we could talk and as I started to rise up off the bed an excruciating pain hit me in my left leg. I couldn’t get up and walk I told them, Something was wrong with my leg. “Well you’re gonna walk” the EMT told me as he and his partner each picked me up from under each one of my arms and dragged me through the house and out the front door into the ambulance. As they dragged my limp body all I could do was cry and repeat I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, as I looked back at his cousin and his cousins wife sitting on the couch in their living room. He was watching TV and she was frantically folding laundry. My heart was broken from not only my loss of Jay but also because I knew how much his cousin loved him. He was like his brother and was definitely his best friend and I knew he was crushed and would never be the same just as I would never be. Along the ride to the hospital I remember bits and pieces, I remember the EMT telling me he administered 2 shots of Narcan to bring me back. I felt like the scum of the earth. I must have fallen in and out of consciousness because the next thing I remember I was being wheeled into the emergency room in a bed and I saw my sister standing there. She was already bawling when she saw me and I just broke down and said “Jay died, Sis” and we both just fell apart. I hate that I put her through that nightmare because we had already buried our mom and brother 10 years prior to the exact same conditions so I know she was already prepared for the worst. I have no idea how she got from Pigeon forge to Jefferson city hospital that fast and I don’t know who even called her but I was grateful because I had never felt more alone in my life. Jay was all I had and he was gone and never coming back. Now it was interegation time.

The drs entered the room and began checking me and doing what they do and my leg was still messed up. It’s like it went to sleep and wasn’t waking up. It didn’t have that pins and needles feeling or anything, it just felt like it wasn’t even there until they tried to lift or move it and then it felt like  they were ripping it off! Once they finally cut my pants off we saw it was swollen up 2 times it’s original size.(Back to that in a bit) The Dr kept asking me questions as he worked on me and I answered them as honestly as I could, I was already in trouble so it didn’t really make a difference at this point. I told him Jay had gotten paid and on pay day we liked to get a pain pill because that’s what we did. We had both struggled most of our lives from opiate addiction but we had cut back from doing them everyday to only doing them maybe once or twice a month on his pay day… Except only now we weren’t taking pain pills because it became so difficult to find them and the only thing you could find now was dirty, cheap, heroin. Something neither one of us was excited about taking but when it’s all that you can get I guess you tend to settle for it. God, I wish I had been a stricter girlfriend and said no, we’re not doing that. The Dr kept going back to the beginning of the story and asking me over and over when we got it and what day we got it. I kept saying today when he got in from work we went back out and got it. He shook his head and said “and this was Friday when you got it after work?” I said yes, annoyingly, because I felt he wasn’t believing my story. Then he brought it to my attention that we couldn’t have gotten it today, on pay day because today was not Friday, his payday, today was in fact Saturday, Saturday night around midnight to be exact and an entire day had passed by where I had no clue to the events that might’ve  played out in an entire 24 hour period. Were we passed out that entire day since the night before? Did we party up way too much? What the hell was going on?

I was rushed into surgery to have fluid drained off of my leg. It was determined that we probably laid there passed out for at least 12 hours without moving or being noticed. They said I had compartment syndrome in my leg from passing out in a weird position and cutting circulation off from my leg for too long and was now at risk of losing it. Long story short, after surgery leaving me with a scar from ankle to thigh and a month in the hospital it was found that the heroin we had gotten contained enough fentynal in it to kill a small horse. Tho I wouldn’t walk for another 6 months and carried this scar, it was only a miracle that I even survived at all. Something was definitely watching out for me, The Star, Healing, Faith, Blessed by the stars.